Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I smell like Dick and happiness
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize