oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
