just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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