I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
