Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
