My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
