ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
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