I hate your face
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
