my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
it was like having sex with a tree stump
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
