So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
