The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
