I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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