my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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