He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
