I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
