I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
