its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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