I think I won the penis lottery.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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