girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
