You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
