Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
