He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
