I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
