she woke up with a sticky ear
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
