I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
