Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
