Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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