You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
