Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
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