she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
