So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
So vagazzling was a success
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
