Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
In other news, I just burned my penis
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
