I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
