why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
