ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
