i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
