her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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