the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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