Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
So. Much. Porn.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
