Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
