my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
