have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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