please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
that may or may not have been my penis.
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