I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
we're so committed to being not committed
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
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