If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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