Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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