Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
