Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
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