I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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