Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
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