I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
