Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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