the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
