She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
