I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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