rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
