HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
