i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Randomize
