I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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