im having a threesome with these popsicles
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
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