my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
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